Something horrific happened to me in the mens toilets this afternoon at work and it’s so bad and so horrible, that I’m not even sure I should be sharing it with you right now.
Ok, ok, I’ll do it (those were my original intentions anyway and no amount of semi-psychic messaging before this post is even out would’ve changed my mind). I’ll warn you beforehand though; if you’re not a fan of toilet humour then please look away now.
Christ, it’s so bad I’m banging this Read more tag in now so I don’t offend anyone who might come to my site and be freaked out by what’s on the front page.
I’m home alone, which is good and bad for a couple of reasons.
It’s good because it means I can swan around the house with nothing on except a big smile and a penchant for 5pm drinking, but it’s bad because which I’ll mostly be eating dry pasta and questioning why I didn’t leave my number with a next of kin.
My girlfriend has left me (for two days only, hopefully) as she’s off down south for a training course. I asked if it was a girlfriend training course, judging by the amount of washing up left in the sink, but she came back with “No, that’s your training”.
After yesterday’s waste of a day doing nothing except sleeping and not washing, I felt like I needed to make amends and spend at least a couple of hours outside and taste that lovely Spring air.
So after spending the morning editing this week’s SPOnGcast, my girlfriend and I went for a brief stroll along the canal that runs through the heart of Leeds.
It was a lovely day for it too; blazing sunshine that reflected off the water, so bright you were almost blinded if you forgot to shield your eyes, but there was also a bit of a chill in the shade (the canal was even frozen in parts where it didn’t come into contact with the sun).
Well today’s been an absolute waste of a day. I went out last night with a couple of guys from work to watch Leeds Rhinos play Harlequins and as you can imagine, the beers were in full flow.
I’m not the most hardcore of drinkers, and I’m not the biggest of guys either, yet when we go out to watch the rugby I always think I can drink at the same speed they can, and drink the same amount too. Which I blatantly can’t.
I was good at one point quite early on though (remembering how drunk I ended up last time) I still had half a pint but the other three had already finished theirs and were eager to get another round in before we left for the stadium.
Usually I’d just get another pint and quickly finish the half before the new round of drinks comes over, but yesterday was different. Yesterday – for the first hour anyway – I was strong.
Another day and another dream is smashed into a million pieces then shot into space attached to a nuclear bomb which is then detonated in outer space rupturing nearby planets and thus causing more destruction.
This might seem a little melodramatic to you, but that’s exactly what’s happening in my heart right now after another BBC rejection email hit my inbox this morning.
I’ve got so much to give, so many skills to utilise, plus an ass that won’t quit, and now this? I just can’t believe it.
The weather in Leeds today was absolutely gorgeous, which thankfully meant that the small journey to Boots wasn’t as bad as the time I decided to walk home and back in the pissing rain. Not only was the sun beating down on us, but I also had an Idle Thumbs podblast casting its pod into my ears and brain which made the short trip across town even more enjoyable. Or enjoyacalf, if you’re that way inclined.
I really wanted some cream cakes but first I had to go to Boots to get some moisturiser. My face has been terribly dry recently, and I’ve gone through a whole tube of the stuff in a fortnight. I’m not even sure why my skin has gone as dry as it has. Usually it’s after I’ve been away somewhere, particularly if I’ve been home to Bognor Regis where the water is softer. But to my knowledge I haven’t really been away recently. Oh no, wait, I went to London the other week didn’t I? Ha, sort of forgot about that.
I’m desperate to finish today’s blog post so I can play some Peggle Nights but it’s proving a difficult one today. I’ve had a pretty uneventful week so far and I’ve been so busy at work I haven’t had much chance to get to the shops at lunchtime, so that’s half my material gone right there.
Now I’m not a writer, so this isn’t writers block, but my mind is totally empty of thoughts right now. I’m not even sure how these words are being formulated because it sure as hell isn’t me behind the wheel. I’ve been thinking about what to write all day but I’ve been so busy at work the day has just run away itself (with me tied up in the boot)
Seriously, this is just weird now. I’m just typing without any prior thought, this is just coming out automatically and I don’t even know where the next sentence is coming from. Oh. Oh damn. I just thought of something. I just had a conscious thought. Well that’s this blog ruined. I wanted to go the whole way just typing from my subconscious.
It was a beautiful day today. The sun was high in the sky and its rays lit up the streets with deep golds and striking yellows.
There was a feel of Spring in the air too, the grey fog that hung around the city centre was gone, replaced with bright reflections in shop windows and people putting hands up to their eyes to shield the sun.
It’s been freezing cold, dark and dull for ages now. Every morning you would wake up to look out the window only to be greeted with skies the colour of lead.
I’d like to make an announcement; today at work I went to the little boys room a delicious six times. And frankly, I’m a little concerned.
I wasn’t going there for a crafty fag, and I wasn’t meeting a senior student to get answers for next week’s algebra test because I’m not a student and I already know physics.
The real reason for visiting the john quite so many times in a day was to have a big fat sweaty piss. That’s not normal, is it? Not the sweating, I know, but it’s very hot in there as only I would know, but the sheer amount of trips to the toilet, that’s above average isn’t it?
Six in a day – no, actually – not even the whole day, that was just the morning. Is that too much? It seems it now I’ve thought about it. How many times have you been today? Seriously? How many times? Please email me as I’d love to know. Please. I’d love to know.
