After yesterday’s self-referential post where I talked about how much I’ve improved since the first week’s posts and how I’m gradually finding things easier, I’ve now hit a wall. I guess it was always bound to happen. Sometimes it really is impossible to extract any humour from the most mundane of days. Today is just one of those days. In light of this, the following text was found at the bottom of my brain after scraping the ground where the barrel used to be.
Yesterday I went to the post-office. Have you been recently? So what’s the deal with post-offices these days? They’ve got a new ticket system where instead of queuing up in a big line to post your parcel, you now take a ticket – not unlike the Delicatessen counter in Tesco. Once you’ve got your ticket you stand up for 97 hours and wait your turn. Usually it’s not too bad. You might have only 10 people in front of you, maybe 18 on a bad day. But do you know how many I had yesterday? If so ring the number on the screen now. Don’t call after the lines have closed because your vote won’t be counted but you might still be charged.
Ok, the results; If you said “Mat, 50 people were in front of you”, then you’re correct. Here, have a little prize. Also, if you knew, I would have appreciated a text or a phone call or something. I wasted 55 minutes of my 60 minute lunch break yesterday looking at people with either dodgy fashion issues, or dodgy personal hygiene issues. One woman even slipped in stuff that came out of another woman, it was mental.
Once I got home last night another mystery was uncovered. For the past fortnight or so a beloved plate of ours has been missing. We both assumed my girlfriend had it last; I think I made her a bit of very lightly browned toast one night (I’m a reet bloody romantic, me) and I just assumed she put it down the side of the couch instead of washing it up.
My second thought was that she had accidently broken it and just pretended it was missing instead of telling me the truth that she threw it off the balcony in a fit of joy. We’ve all done that, I’m sure.
When I was younger, me and my mate David Turner (not that one) were playing football in-front of his parents house and the goal was the lamp-post next to his drive and the edge of his front lawn. I won’t bore you with the scenario we had dreamt up, but suffice to say I was awarded a penalty in the 90th minute which would’ve meant England were the Space World Cup Champions were I to score.
With 900 years of hurt in my heart (it was the year 2866) I ran up and smashed the ball into the back of the net, and unfortunately for me, also their lounge window. It was then that I started running, not running down the pitch with my t-shirt over my head but as fast as my little legs would carry me with tears running down my face. Annoyingly my mum was on the doorstep talking to David’s mum at the time, but I was so well trained I just ran past them and into my room, knowing full well I’d be sent there anyways. I used my initiative quite a lot when I was younger, as you can see.
I’ve just realised what I was meant to be talking about when I started that story and it doesn’t even match up! If I follow that train of thought I should’ve gone on to say that I hid David’s lounge window. The truth is I didn’t, I just ran home crying. David later told me that the ball bounced straight into the street after smashing his lounge window. Even more amazing was that the ball bounced and hit the kerb so I got 20 Kirby points. I wish he had told me at the time because it would’ve made my 4 weeks of being grounded and whole lot more fun. Anyway, back to the plate.
We turned the house upside down. We washed up. I had even prepared a missing message in the Gazette and Herald, but at 20p a word I couldn’t afford it so we burned the Britannica-sized message in the garden whilst we laughed uncontrollably. In the end the plate was found in the mircowave after we last used it for a baked potato. Naughty Maris Piper!
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Big Brother may have finished but our last Big Bother podcast – Episode 8 – is now out. Just over 90 minutes of good old Big Brother chat with David Turners, Capone_Adam and myself. Download directly from the Big Bother site or subscribe on iTunes.