I’d like to make an announcement; today at work I went to the little boys room a delicious six times. And frankly, I’m a little concerned.
I wasn’t going there for a crafty fag, and I wasn’t meeting a senior student to get answers for next week’s algebra test because I’m not a student and I already know physics.
The real reason for visiting the john quite so many times in a day was to have a big fat sweaty piss. That’s not normal, is it? Not the sweating, I know, but it’s very hot in there as only I would know, but the sheer amount of trips to the toilet, that’s above average isn’t it?
Six in a day – no, actually – not even the whole day, that was just the morning. Is that too much? It seems it now I’ve thought about it. How many times have you been today? Seriously? How many times? Please email me as I’d love to know. Please. I’d love to know.
Six urinations in one morning felt like a lot, but that’s probably a bit more than usual, although I reckon I still go at least 6 times in a day, and probably closer to 7-8 in reality. On one occasion I went 11 times, although all that came out in the 11th piss was hot air and salty tears.
Now I’m no scientist, but I think that’s all down to the amount of water I drink. I know we’re all told to drink 8 glasses of water a day to keep healthy. Healthy skin and bone and teeth and penis and that, but didn’t know exceeding the eight glasses a day rule would lead to such an overloaded bladder.
I was so worried about the sort of implications that having a full bladder might bring that I took my penis and catheter to the House of Commons, demanding an answer. I took a big old protest sign which said “What do we want? An empty bladder! When do we want it? Before I piss meself!” sign and everything. Turns out you need an appointment, so I didn’t get seen.
I mean, I got seen, plenty of people saw me with my sign and blatant disregard for public decency laws, but I didn’t get seen by the right people. That left a sour taste in my mouth frankly. The only food bit of news was that KFC were doing a new version of their famous Zinger Tower Meal, so I bought one and ate it all up with my mouth. It was lovely.
Is drinking too much water a bad thing though? Seriously. Does drinking too much water wash out any good chemicals in your body before they’ve had a chance to help you? Well according to the BBC site:
If you drink too much water, eventually the kidneys will not be able to work fast enough to remove sufficient amounts from the body, so the blood becomes more dilute with low salt concentrations. (link)
So, I don’t think I’m drinking quite 8 litres a day, but I’m still worried I could be drinking too much. It’s not only that; as soon as I finish my little glass of water I literally have to refill straight away. Like literally. I can’t stop myself. If there was an emergency incident, yet at the same time I was throwing a burning baby through a window (to save it) I spied that my glass of water was empty, I’d have to make a very difficult decision. To refill, or not refill, would be the question, in question.
It’s weird, if I look down to see my glass is empty, I’ve got to get it refilled straight away, I don’t even have a choice anymore. If I don’t, my mouth feels like it’s going all dry, like a vocal desert. Or a vocal dessert, even. The dryness of my mouth probably doesn’t change at all, it’s probably all in my head, but still, I needs me some of that lovely wet water.
But it’s not just my good chemicals getting washed away that I’m worrying about, it’s the constant state of drinking or peeing that’s doing my head in. Not only that, but I’m convinced my workmates think I’m mental. I’m literally going for a piss every 45 minutes, every 45 minutes! It’s too much I know, but as long as I continue drinking, I continue a-pissing.
It’s hard to deal with when all you want is beautiful skin, but if in a constant state of either just had a piss and just about to piss is what it takes, then that’s what I’ll do.
I wrote this in the toilet on my phone, btw.
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