The weather in Leeds today was absolutely gorgeous, which thankfully meant that the small journey to Boots wasn’t as bad as the time I decided to walk home and back in the pissing rain. Not only was the sun beating down on us, but I also had an Idle Thumbs podblast casting its pod into my ears and brain which made the short trip across town even more enjoyable. Or enjoyacalf, if you’re that way inclined.
I really wanted some cream cakes but first I had to go to Boots to get some moisturiser. My face has been terribly dry recently, and I’ve gone through a whole tube of the stuff in a fortnight. I’m not even sure why my skin has gone as dry as it has. Usually it’s after I’ve been away somewhere, particularly if I’ve been home to Bognor Regis where the water is softer. But to my knowledge I haven’t really been away recently. Oh no, wait, I went to London the other week didn’t I? Ha, sort of forgot about that.
So off I go into Boots. I walk over to where my beloved moisturiser is and I notice that the design of the tube has changed. “How exciting!” I thought to myself, so I picked up one of only two tubes they had left “Thank God they still have some left!” I said inside my head. After the unexpected excitement of the bottle redesign I dusted myself off (metaphorically speaking) and walked over to the till (physically speaking).
As I’m queuing up I notice a blonde girl milling about by the tills. Now it might have just been because I watched Lost last night but she really did look a lot like Claire from Lost, albeit with a different haircut.
In fact, her haircut wasn’t a million miles from my gorgeous do (at first I thought I was looking in the mirror and even when I glanced down to notice the body was a bit different I just assumed it was one of those weird mirrors you see at fairgrounds. I finally realised it wasn’t me when I saw that the reflection had different earphones in). The mysterious blonde girl never looked up at me, nor my hairstyle, but I could still feel a connection. I’m fairly sure she felt the same thing. I mean look at me (points to self).
10 seconds had passed in this time but I’m still waiting behind some slowpoke at the till. I get the impression she’s just chatting on for no reason and probably one of those types of people – the guy at the till looked suitably bored as the woman continued to talk at him. Once she had hovered out the door it was my turn at the till. By this time Claire from Lost was standing just in front of the pharmacy desk looking like she wanted to be served.
So I looked over at her to see if she was there first and if she needed serving before me. She mumbled the word “no” and nodded her head as if to say “no loverboy, you go ahead”. Much like our earlier encounter, she didn’t look at me when she made her gestures (probably couldn’t contain herself if she did, so she stayed strong and kept her gaze away from my luscious lips/below averaged-sized penis)
I only wanted a £1.29 tube of Nivea moisturiser but being the cheapskate that I am and still a day away from pay day I still wanted to know if I could buy it on my Boots card. So I asked and the guy checked my card. Claire was still hovering about with her headphones on which made me think that that was the real reason she didn’t say anything before. Probably didn’t want to shout out or something.
I had enough points and bought the moisturiser. As the transaction is going through the guy asks if I want a bag. I wasn’t sure if he was joking as I had a bag on which was clearly in sight. Also, the tube was no bigger than a mobile phone, so I hardly needed a bloody bag for life. Clearly the bag question rattled me as when I left the till area the guy piped up to say “Yeah, you could buy another tube with the points you’ve got left on there lol”. (He didn’t actually say lol, I just added it in there so you can get a feel of how jovial the guy’s comment was). Thinking this was some sort of joke (why would he need to tell me that?) I thought I’d return with a pithy retort.
Annoyingly but that time I had already started walking towards the door and not only that but my brain wasn’t in gear (UNLIKE YESTERDAY) so my pithy retort turned out to be a long a mumbling response. I think I was still thinking about what to say when my mouth took over and said “Yeah, well. I’ll come back in tomorrow. And buy another. With my points” I’m not even sure the last few words came out at all, such was the mumbling. Claire looked over, her headphones now off. She looked at me, I looked at the guy, and I walked out. Not sure if she ever looked at my hairstyle. I guess she didn’t otherwise she probably would’ve tapped me on the shoulder and asked me out. Save for the mumbling.
Pro tip: If you’re making a witty remark on the move, make sure it’s concise. Otherwise you stand to embarrass yourself in front of major stars of US drama.
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