Something horrific happened to me in the mens toilets this afternoon at work and it’s so bad and so horrible, that I’m not even sure I should be sharing it with you right now.
Ok, ok, I’ll do it (those were my original intentions anyway and no amount of semi-psychic messaging before this post is even out would’ve changed my mind). I’ll warn you beforehand though; if you’re not a fan of toilet humour then please look away now.
Christ, it’s so bad I’m banging this Read more tag in now so I don’t offend anyone who might come to my site and be freaked out by what’s on the front page.
Something Michael Fox could’ve learned a couple of weeks ago.
This isn’t the first time it’s happened either; I’ve lost count of the number of times it’s happened to me and I’m starting to get really annoyed with it. It might have even happened to you, providing you’re a guy. Or at least someone with a penis at least (Lady gaga included)
So here’s the problem I’ve been having; people keeping pissing on me in public toilets. Seriously, it happened again today and it’s getting beyond the joke now. It’s like some people don’t know their own strength when it comes to pee-pee coming out of their bodies.
Now it’s not like they’re directly pissing in my pocket as I’m looking the other way. God, I’d almost wish that was the case because at least then they’d know they were doing it and I could say something (if it was that blatant I would definitely say something)
No, it’s worse than that. It really only occurs when there’s one of those silver-wall type urinals in a pub or something. I’m not saying it couldn’t happen in a regular tear drop-shaped white urinal, I mean it could happen; it’d just require a bit more planning and discipline when it came to trajectory and velocity. Two skills that are sorely lacking from the types of idiots who piss on my hand on an almost weekly basis.
Basically what they do is piss, without limits. Without rules, without etiquette, and without a thought of another person’s feelings. They decide to piss, then they let go without thinking that the stuff coming out of them is flying at such a speed it could rip through cardboard.
They let go and the sheer force of the urine flying out of their little flesh tubes hits the silver wall, splashing everywhere. The laws of Physics come into play and when that yellow stuff hits the wall it’s got to come back. What Newton didn’t mention however, was it hitting me. EVERY SINGLE DAY (on a bad week)
Thing is, I never say anything. Half the time I’m too scared to even look over at the guy doing it in case he thinks that I’m a secret gay and I want to see what kind of organ could produce a torrent of piss so strong.
I don’t. I don’t want to see his penis. What I would like to see however is some restraint when pissing next to someone. I do it. Hell, I know what it’s like to have a stranger’s urine on your hand. It’s not nice. Not at all. So when I piss, I aim for the corner, or, I don’t know, pinch it or something to slow it down. To my own cost, I might add.
In the past I’ve been so pre-occupied with not making the same mistake so many men before me have made that my little corner of the urinal becomes some sort of ‘piss ramp’, and before you know it I’ve got piss on my hands again. My own this time, but it’s still the same end result.
I may be taking things a little too far when I try to “whoa there horsey. Steady up, there there. There we go nice, good girl. Good girl. There we go”, but it’s really not that hard to be a little more conscious of where your rivers of piss are flying towards.
So please, even if you’re a female, just think next time you go for a slash. Just think; am I pissing too hard? Am I pissing in the general direction of another patron of this here toilet? Is it hitting them on the hand? If the answer to all those questions is no, then well done; you know how to piss.
If the answer was yes, then NEVER WEE IN THE SAME POSTCODE AS ME EVER. EVER.
Remember, if you see a rogue pisser then please, email Piss Stoppers anonymously at anytime on mat [at] matmurray [dot] com. Please. Your information is very important to us and together we can make this a drier world for our children.*
*Not our children though, I don’t even know you. Plus, I’m fairly happy at the moment. Maybe give me a bell in a couple of months or so and see how I man, but for now, I’m OK. Thanks. xxx
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